Count Your Blessing or Suffering?

People always say, "Count your blessings".

I agree.

But lately, I've been thinking..maybe I should count my sufferings too (i have plenty of it).

Because of this ayat:

1. "If you are grateful, I am surely will surely increase you (in favour)" - Surah Ibrahim 14:7

Every blessings no matter how small it is, it is a gift from Him. Gratitude brings you barakah, peace.

2. "Do people think that they will be left to say, "We Believe" and they will not be tested? - Surah Al 'Ankabut 29:2

The duniya is a test and Jannah is the reward for the believer. Every hardship is a test and every moment of sabr and redha is never wasted, it will be rewarded. 

I've been trying to change the way I make dua. Instead of spending most of it asking Allah what I desire in this dunia as well as akhirah, I spend more of thanking Him for what He has given me.

And when life hurts, instead of asking "Why me?", I want to remind myself that this is another reward being prepared for me. As Dr Imam said, think of it as a deferred payment that I can claim in akhirah. InshaAllah. All I have to do is walking with sabr, accept with redha, trust that Allah never let a single tear, disappointment or an ounce of hardship go to waste.

Perhaps not every blessing is meant to come in this life. But simply being saved for Jannah.

So now, I count both my blessings and sufferings. 

Because both are signs that Allah is taking care of me, just in different ways.

:)

Hyrox

 ….is over for meeee.

I got in early. There were only 2k ppl in front of me.

Got in. Pick the tix. Guess i took slight longer at the flex option cuz i was confused. Then click proceed. Bam sold out!

So sadddddd..

Tried other categories. Even pro ones. Same story. The moment i wanna pay —> failed!!

Liyana: its ok, we plan..but who is the best planner?

Me: idk. You or me?

Liyana: *she gives me cold hard stare* ALLAH la woi!

Me: oops sorry. Brain loading. Post traumatic stress tk dpt ticket.

*baru pergi talk Imam Omar Suleiman last weekend*

 Liyana: its okay la boleh continue training without the race

Me: what do u mean? Its like study without exam! Whats the point?? *hi achiever trait*

Liyana: sama la mcm u pergi pilates

Me: if ada olympic for pilates, i will join!

This is harder than battle for Coldplay tix. Wawawawa.

For coldplay i still got time to think!

How Are You?

 

Another day, another flex 😉

She’s A Genius

The other day i watched an IG reel on “suicidal ideation”. The person was telling like how she just found out having an ideation is not normal. Like she thought everyone may have it once in awhile.

Wait..it’s not normal to have it? Even during your tough season? Cuz I do have it sometimes… as long as i can remember. It comes and go. On my defence, ideation and intention are two different things. And i’m that smart to be able to differentiate it.

Then she shared her discussion with her therapist, it’s a form of escapism. Kinda makes sense.

If you dont understand, it’s a privelege. (Seems to be my fav sentence this day)

But now i know whenever i have the thoughts, i should do this..

(Context:  It was my first try to dive) 

I was super confident. Inhale. Hold ur breath. Equalize. Dive. Equalize again.

But then, the moment I reached the bottom. 

I panicked. 

I can’t breathe.

Geez…i got scared…of death.

Just like that, i found the will to live again. 🤣

Genius, i am..

Swim

 

My first freedive 🩵

Do it scared.. until it no longer scares you.

Grief

Grief comes and goes like waves.

This morning, i felt it again.

Couldn’t stop the tears, so I put on my best makeup to conceal it and wear the best smile to face the day.

Grateful today is busy clinic day, it will keep my mind occupied, even if only for a while.

Like every wave, grief has its peak. And eventually, it recedes.

All I have to do is hold on and wait.

This too shall pass.. 

Happy Birthday, B.

If you’ve lost someone, you’ll understand..

If you don’t, it’s a privilege.

Risk It All

While many doctors hate their job, I love being one. Or maybe it is more of i love my patients.

My patients are my saviours, as much as I am theirs.

Just like today. I started the clinic with a heavy mind. Maybe it was Monday blues, or it was something quietly in my head that I couldnt fully name.

But the moment, i met my patients, my heart felt a little lighter. Like this boy, who seemed cheekier than usual. Tried to resonate why he didnt do what I advised him to do, in his playful energy. And somehow, I found myself smiling.

Me: Here is your MC dated today six…seven…(6/7/26)

Him: *pulls his cap down covering his face* i certainly sure he rolls his eyes underneath it.

 And this cutie, who sing “Risk It All” . 🥹

And just like that, the heaviness soften a little.

While i heal them, they heal me.

Baddie 🖤

Mirror, mirror on the wall..

Who’s the baddest of them all?

Yours truly.

Esok nk swim. Bubble bubble. 😶‍🌫️

Battlescar

 

Hope it heals, but it never does.

God..i dont feel good..

A reminder for me DO NOT ever again do back to back HYROX and Strength Training.

I was feeling fine after Hyrox. The strength class is a foundation class. In my mind it should be easy. Cmon, i used to do a 24hr oncall. And resume work for another 8 hours.

But damn, now i feel like shit. bit dizzy, super tireeeed. Yes it really feels like postcall, the badcall edition.

I hope i don’t get rhabdomyolysis.

I should sleep but I cant. I dont do naps.

My body is so used to sleep at night only..

Lets hope i will feel better the next morning.

Cuz I have pilates 🤏🏻

I know i should cancel the class, but mama didnt raise me to be a quitter. ;p

What’s wrong with meeeee

Stupid Song

 

I love you more than any stupid song could ever say.

D2: mummy, i think i know who is your fav artist. It’s olivia rodrigo!

Me: yeah..(been playing her songs quite often in the car). She just released her new album so im listening to it atm. Do u know she’s coming to Msia soon, to do concert here. Not sure I should go or not.

D2: mummy, you should! You are her fan! Her kipas.

Me: aaw.. (i wish ur dad thinks the same way, nnti mummy kena kecam in thread, pergi concert suami jaga anak di rumah) 

Knocking On Heaven’s Door

"Sebab syurga tu mahal..", a friend told me.

J: u rs i boleh masuk syurga ke?

L : why not. of course u can.

J: because i pray…but i still sin 

L: we are all human, and you have two tickets to jannah

Z: eh, why two?

J : Ya, 2 la. 

Z: no, no one only. The other one doesn’t count.

(…at this point i feel like i was at the gates of heaven, while 2 angels were arguing wether i have one or 2 golden pass that will guarantee my upgrade)

J: but..its not guaranteed..only if i am sabr facing the challenges.

L: no, you WILL get in.

Z: ya… maybe not the highest level, but at least the lowest heaven.

We all laughed.

…find yourself friends who can support your delulu dreams..

Who will also keep remind you that Allah’s mercy is always greater than your fear and doubts.

loml

it was love at first sight.

a cliche, yes.

the kind of thing u see in movies.

i never thought i would experience it.

i fell for the "get-love-quick" scheme, as Tay would put it.

it was legendary. momentary. 

everything felt effortless.

every conversation.

every laugh.

every stolen moment.

every k.

it felt like we had skipped all the difficult chapters and landed directly in the happy ending.

it was good while it lasted.

and worse when it ended.

i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all.

you told me i was the love of your life.

then u became the loss of my life.

#firstlove #hbd

Bila Cinta

When people wonder how i endure my long daily commute..

Me during the journey: 

Melayan perasaan & bestie cooking show.

 

Hilangnya cintamu menusuk hatiku 

hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu merobek jantungku 

hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan

Aa sedih..

The Time Of My Life

I am not always great...

But..most of the time...absolutely amazing.

Fall first, Flex next.

Asyura

 It's Asyura Day today.

I don't know what to pray for.

There are so many things I could ask for.  Better health. Success. Rizq. Happiness. Peace. A future I cannot yet see.

Then I remembered that Allah knows what my heart needs better than I do.

So today, my dua is simple:

For Him to grant what is best for me in this world and the hereafter. Open the doors that led me closer to Him. Close the ones that will harm me. To have barakah, contentment and peace in every part of my life. Forgive my shortcoming. Make me among those who attain Jannah.

Ameen.

Because sometimes what I want may not be the best for me. May not be what God want for me. So lets just put the trust in the One who already knows.

💯

My Life Anthem

Cuz i'm a real tough kid..

You know you're good when you can even do it

..with a broken heart

...survived a broken home and got into medical school

...survived heartbreak during final year and GOT

...survived motherhood, marriage and Master, all in the same timeline

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My superpower is surviving under pressure.

No matter what life throws at me,
I always rise back to the top. :)

So yes, i am tough. i am good. i am smart. i am fun. 
and pretty.  #tiber

Happy Father’s Day!

Whats worse than losing ur dad?

Having him alive but feels like you don’t have one.

What a dream to be a dad’s girl.

But it’s okay..

“In another life, I would be your girl…”

…

another life means in heaven..

where i’m heading to..

One day..

Cuz God is fair.

..for everything that i lost in this duniya,

it will be replaced in akhirah..

InshaAllah 🤍

Try

A month ago, I wrote about the changes my body had been going through this year: loss of appetite, weight loss, and insomnia. At the time, I thought it was simply part of getting older.  Maybe this was just another phase of aging that I had to accept.

But something interesting has happened this week.

My appetite is back.

My weight stops reducing.

And most importantly, I can sleep at night.

The doctor in me has started revisiting what happened over the past few months.

I stopped craving coffee. Food became uninteresting. Even things I genuinely enjoyed seemed to lose their spark. There was even a period when Pilates no longer gave me that familiar sense of satisfaction or endorphin rush. I kept showing up, but the reward wasn't there. Looking back, I wonder whether that was anhedonia, the diminished ability to feel pleasure from things that once brought joy.

Now, things feel different again.

Food tastes good. Coffee and cakes sound appealing. My appetite has returned. This morning I had gastritis, a strange problem to have after weeks of barely feeling hungry.

Possible contributed by endorphins from the exercises. Work up my body so hard that Brad has no room to enter my mind. 

It's fascinating how much our minds and bodies are intertwined. Sometimes we search for explanations in age, hormones, stress, or illness, only to realize the answer may be far more complex or perhaps a combination of all of them. 

Life has a way of quietly shifting beneath our feet. One day, you stop enjoying the things you love and barely notice it happening. Then, just as quietly, the colors begin to return. 

A strange phase of life indeed.

Attended my first Hyrox class yesterday, totally fun! 

str8 to Cadillac after Hyrox class :)

Next agenda this week:

Friday : barre pilates

Saturday: swim, strength
Sunday: tower pilates

*god, pls take away all the symptoms but leave my weight as it is..* 

Mid Life Crisis

..what my friends called it when I told them I wanted to do these three things this year:

1. Pilates : to try all types of it (Done!)

I’ve been doing reformer Pilates religiously for the past two years. So at the beginning of this year, I challenged myself to explore other forms of Pilates. Now that we're halfway through the year, I've already ticked off most of my wishlist: hot mat, tower, chair, cadillac, and even barre classes. Mission accomplished. Of course, once I completed the list, I had to level up the challenge. My next goal? Try Pilates overseas.

2. Freedive (Booked a class!)

This one is a little outside my comfort zone. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I can do it, but I've booked myself into a beginner's class and I'm determined to give it a shot. *Fingers crossed*

3. Hyrox (still analysing…)

HYROX wasn't even on my radar at the start of the year. Lately, though, I've been looking for a new challenge because, as much as I love Pilates, it's starting to feel a little too familiar. Earlier on, a friend suggested Hyrox to me and i just brush it off saying that naah its not my thing. Then, out of nowhere, they announced that HYROX is coming to Malaysia this year. So harus FOMO. Plus, i am joining strength gym class now.  If I manage to secure a place, I'm taking that as my sign. Maybe that's my next adventure. I can finally make use all my running shoes that I overbought-but-underused for the run training. Going to my first Hyrox class next week!!!!!! Scared but excited.

My friends call this my "midlife crisis era."

I prefer to think of it as my wellness era.

I'm Kinda Busy

 ..when hospital calls..

...or when u call and i dont pick up

Friend: Are u free for breakfast on Sunday?

Me: Umm. I have pilates ... then strength training... 

Friend: So.. not free?

Me: Can i take a rain check?.. Unless you wanna join me?

Thats how all my friends ended up doing pilates.

#truestory 

How old do u wanna be?

when i saw ppl write something about healthy lifestyle to promote longevity.

it makes me wonder why would they want to live until they are 90-100 years old..

while me: i dont want to grow old..i wanna stay forever young (which impossible). but yes i don't think i wanna live until i'm 90.

but i still take care of my health cuz i dont want to fall sick, feels the pain and waiting to die for days at hospital. and i do exercise for the endorphins.

i want to die peacefully. before i get too old.

something i pray to God. 

to take me when my deeds is enough for me to go to heaven. 

Nevertheless i love my elderly patients 

And.. they love me too 🥰

12

Sehingga Tuhan izin.

1991

I think I still keep a photo of us from that zoo trip during kindy.

Work

Work has been pretty chill these days.

Whenever my friends rant about work, I honestly can't relate.

Whenever I casually mention my Friday afternoon  Pilates class, they'll immediately go:

"Untunglah... ada afternoon break."

And I'm like, "Girl, nobody forced you to choose your discipline. We need to work smart, not just hard."

click the title to read more..

10 Things I’m Proud To Flex at 40

Not 40 yet… but with 3 months left till August, might as well embrace it. 

1. Got back my prepregnancy weight. I delivered a baby plus went through a phase of stress eating disorder during my master’s programme. And losing weight at this age is brutally difficult. So yeah I deserve a trophy.

2. My BMI is normal. Well, honestly the only time it wasn’t normal was when I was literally growing babies inside me.

3. I look somewhere between late 20s and early 30s, says ChatGPT. And I’ll take it, tho it sounds delusional.

4. People call me “boss” at work. IYKYK. #girlboss

5. At this age, I can buy whatever I want. But TBH i dont have a lot of wants. 

6. My parents are alive and healthy. This one feels bigger the older I get.

7. Still married. In this economy and generation? Lowkey an achievement.

8. My kids still adore me. One day they’ll think I’m annoying, so I’m enjoying this phase while it lasts.

9. I got my sugar levels go down from prediabetic to normal. Cholesterol… you’re next.

10. I can bend down and touch my toes without backpain or tight hamstring. Thanks to pilates.

There's a lot more I wanna achieve. Not sure if I should share them or keep it quiet so I don't jinx it.

I wanna be a mermaid.

40 is basically your 20s...just with better money, super early bedtimes and a whole bunch of supplements.

The Eid of Letting Go

It’s Arafah Day today.

And somehow, it took me almost 40 years to truly understand what this day is all about.

Alhamdulillah for time. Alhamdulillah for guidance. Alhamdulillah for the gentle reminders from Allah that often come exactly when we need them most.

click the title to read more..

Fireplace

Whenever i doubt my capabilities, i keep surprising myself..

The dream that’s left of us

Are pictures in the ash

But I cant burn these memories trapped in my heart

Now all thats left of us

Is a love that I cant touch

All your empty promises break me apart

Mak

A quote I came across today that made me stop scrolling:

"Today your mother is 55 years old. If she lives until 70, you may only have 15 more years with her. If you only go home twice a year, that means you'll only see her 30 more times in the lifetime..Will it be enough?"

And suddenly, I felt my chest tighten. Because my mother is 71 this year...

click the title to read more..

😎

Send a text in a Family Whatsapp Group:

Semua dijemput hadir dtg makan di rumah for D3 birthday.

Also me on the morning of the day:

Havent decide on the food, the cake, the deco, the outfit. Can i cancel the invites 🫠 

Lets Keep Calm and Think

Body Changes At 40

 ..should i be worried or grateful?

click the title to read more..

Tok

Found this pic while browsing through the old photos.

I'm so grateful all my children had the chance to meet their loving great grandma.

Just a few weeks after this photo was taken, she left us.

A memory I will cherish forever.

Miss you always, Tok.

Alfatihah to Tunku Mukminah Tunku Mohd Jiwa.

I Love You.

Dearest Dazrin,

Happy birthday to the most precious soul I have ever known. From the moment you came into my life, you filled my heart with a love so deep and unconditional that words could never fully describe it.

I hope your day is filled with warmth, laughter, and happiness, because you deserve every beautiful thing this world has to offer. No matter how much time passes, you will always be my little baby, the one who changed my life forever just by existing.

As you grow, I hope the world is always gentle to you. I hope kindness always finds you wherever life takes you, and that you are always deeply loved.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mommy. You are my greatest blessing and the most beautiful part of my life.

Your first cry into the world..

That's my baby, he's iconic.

 

Love you always and forever, Mommy. 

And one day, when you enter heaven, don't forget me, okay? 🤍

No One Noticed

 

Mood so mellow lately, i dont understand myself.

(update: its PMS)

🙂

 

Drop Dead

The song is giving major young love nostalgia. Innocent, exciting and beautiful. 

 Been kissed and drop dead in the process. 

But.. NGL the feeling afterward is pure ecstasy. 

The most alive I’ve ever been. 

A random quote on the net says:

 “Feeling sad is temporary, being a girl with Master Degree is forever.” 💅🏻

Memory

Why do some memories fade easily, while the ones meant to be forgotten linger the longest..?

For someone who studies memory and treats those who lose it, perhaps I should already know the answer. Still I find it strange how much we understand about how memories are built and strengthened, yet so little about how they are undone. We refine techniques to preserve memory, but rarely study the art of erasing it.

Coffee Breath

Whenever I search songs for a picture of coffee on IG story, this song always pops up.

Coffee Breath by Sofia Mills

It has this nice melody. So yesterday I decided to listen to the full song.

It starts with a gentle guitar strum.

Down down down down down up down..

Babadam..bab bab ba dam.

Only when the verse comes in, it hits me this is actually a sad love song. Not really bout coffee. The lyrics are really something.. The soothing melody makes the lyric not sound as creepy 😬

“Call me Dahmer cause your heart’s so tasty”

…nevertheless this song got me hooked. 

The Makcik Era

This morning, I had a banana and oats for breakfast. 

Not nasi lemak. Not roti canai. 

BANANA and OAT.

Who is this girl?  Eh, sorry.. Who is this woman?

click the title if you wanna read the long post

The Comeback

16 days off and now I’m back.

Better than ever..

.

Thank you, next!

Last Kiss X I Love You I’m Sorry

I’m just a girl who loves heartbreak songs.

And…I’m 9 months too late to discover this mashup of two songs by Taylor Swift and Gracie Abrams.

A combination of sad songs from the past and present. They share the same chords makes it so easy for them to blend into each other. 

Ooo..I love the bridge :)

“I’ll watch your life in pictures, like I used to watch you sleep.  I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.”

“You were the best but you were the worst. As sick as it sounds, I loved you first. I was a *ick. It is what it is.”

Last Kiss was a song that was overplayed on my guitar in 2010. 

Call me Picasso

 I am today years old realising…im not bad at painting.

And that is enough to keep my happiness jar full for the day :)

#bieberchella

I had a fun night with my boy tonight.

I dont think he’s ever met this version of me..

The one that existed before him.

Before she got buried in motherhood.

Just the two of us, singing “Baby” by Justin Bieber.

It got me thinking..motherhood doesn’t take me away from who I used to be. Maybe with time, I’ll find my way back.

And for a moment, I was the girl I used to be. I found the version of me I thought I lost.

10 days

 ...since my last Pilates session.

And i miss it. 

Like, a lot.

It’s interesting how something that once felt like a routine can quietly turn into something you actually need.

It grounds me.

If I am being honest my job is really interrupting my Pilates schedule right now. Should I quit? ;p

Do You Miss the Old You?

Do you ever find yourself missing the old (younger) you?

Because I do.

I miss the younger version of me sometimes.

…the body with high metabolism rate

…smooth skin like baby’s bottom

…mind that didnt overthink

…soul that was naive

…lighter version of me that carefree and braver.

The version of me who would have said yes to bungee jumping, to skydiving, to anything that made my heart race in excitement, not anxiety.

Now? I go down a slide and feel like my heart just dropped 100 meters.

Somewhere along the years, caution replaced courage.

Or maybe… responsibility did.

It’s strange, isn’t it?

To miss people who is still right in front of you.

To miss versions of yourself that still exist somewhere inside you, just quieter now.

Maybe nothing is truly lost.

Just… transformed.

And maybe, just maybe..

there is something about the woman I am becoming now that my younger self would look at and admire.

Yapping so much here now I'm late for the gym..

Good Goodbye

Saying goodbye to the version of me whose frontal lobe hadn’t fully developed yet : impulsive, emotional, and still trying to make sense of everything. 

Dear my younger self, 

You made questionable choices, felt things deeply, and learned many lessons the hard way… but you were also brave, sincere, and doing the best you could with what you knew at the time. 

I may cringe when I look back, but you are part of my story. The raw, unfiltered chapters that shaped who I am today. 

So this is a gentle closing, an acknowledgment… and a quiet thank you for getting me here. 

 

 

Goodbye will hurt me, and i might cry. 

Its fine.. i might kick myself in regret. 

But this is it..  Goodby-y-ye 

 (Hwasa)

In 3..2..1..deleting all the posts and memories, the good and the bad… 💭