The Struggles You Hide So Well

After almost a year of not attending an Islamic talk, I finally went to one yesterday.. I cried. Just like how I did in my first Islamic talk I attended years ago.

Some of the things the speaker mentioned about:

1. Lonelines

The loneliness can be a reminder from Allah to return to Him. There is no one more lonely than Nabi Yunus when he was trapped in a belly of a whale or Maryam when she had to went through pregnancy and labour alone. 

2. Acceptance/Redha

How do we accept the things that happen in our lives?

I realised how easy it is to question why.

Why did this happen to me?
Why did Allah allow this?
Why couldn’t things have turned out differently?

 Instead of questioning or blaming Him, we return to Him. We stay with Him. We ask Him for guidance. We ask Him for help. We tell Him that we don’t understand, but we trust that He knows what we don’t.

redha  not necessarily being okay with everything, but surrendering what we cannot control while continuing to walk towards Him.

3. Remain when things are hard

This one hit me the most. To remain in iman even when the test feels too heavy. The speaker reminded us the story of Nabi Yaakub.

He lost Yusuf for years. He grieved. He cried until he lost his sight. Yet he never blamed Allah for what happened to him. He remained in his Iman. And despite knowing what the children did to of Yusuf, he remained a good father to them. 

I kept thinking about that.

How do we learn to have that kind of sabar?

Not the kind where you pretend that you’re not hurting.

But the kind where you can hurt deeply and still remain with Allah. 

Where you can cry and still pray.

Where you can be exhausted and still believe.

Where you can not understand your test and still not turn away from Him.

Still be good to people who hurt you.

I don’t think I have mastered that.

Not even close..

And there was another strange thing that happened during the talk. Listening to other people’s stories made me look at my own life and think…

“Okayyy… ours is not that bad.”

😂

Not because my struggles aren’t real. But  hearing someone else’s pain gives you a little perspective on your own. 

Life will always have something to test us with. To remembee the goal isn’t to have a life without struggles but to learn how to walk through them without losing our way back to Allah.

My thoughtful friends came prepared..

Me: why do u guys have tissue in ur bag..😭

Teh Hijau

 …kesukaan kamu.

A lot of commotion on how yoga memesongkan akidah.

Alhamdulillah akidah masih intact doing yoga.

Rs akidah perempuan lg mudah terpesong percaya janji manis lelaki.

Adakah kita perlu ban mereka? 

😜

Take the good, leave the bad.

Bojack Says

Swim

My mom came to the house today.

And i was venting out to her on things…

She tried to listen..

Eventually she said..

“Dah dah u go to swim..release whatever you need to release”

I was like…🥺

Tkde org nk dgr luahan hati ku..

Ladies and gentleman,

Thats how i became an avoidant.

How To Save A Life

dlm byk2 benda lagha dlm dunia, music is one of the hardest for me to let go.

Do u know September is a suicide prevention month.

But it makes me wonder..why would they want to prevent it..

Have they ever been in that person shoes, to know how it feels. How hard it is to continue living. How difficult it gets not to feel sad all the time.

As much as people can give all the support they think the person need. There will still be few quiet moments when no one can be there for them, and the thoughts get louder than usual.

So i guess begitula terjadi nya penciptaan lagu ini.

You can have regret for not saving a person, but there is nothing more you can do.

“I pray to God He hear you..”

And who knows they are probably at a better place..

The world is not that great to live in, anyway..

But of course i will give different consultation fr my profession. :)

This is my personal opinion, that only for me myself and i.

Thoughts

 …so funny to observe how different my personality is in Instagram, here and real life…

My song anthem in Instagram is Live Your Life

Here is How To Save A Life

In real life Stronger

So which one is the real me?

Guess..

Maybe the one on prayer mat..

Talking to God..

..wonder if He listen..

One of the birthday wishes that caught me off guard..

Am I..loved? 🥹

Thank you for the reminder, Jo. 

Unless It’s You

 

Always been, always will.

Monday Series

I’m soooo overstimulated on Monday morning…

Tried to keep calm and not screaming my usual chant at the twins, “Cepat Cepat Cepattt Mummy Dah Lambat”

Waze ETA to my workplace was 7:39 am

Its such an accomplishment to beat waze and arrive at 7:31am..

So i’m alone today at work to handle clinic and ward. But i guess many patients are on holiday break (tomorrow is public holiday) because i didnt see any patients arrive yet at the clinic this morning. phew

Sipping my morning coffee…before i go say Hi to everyone in the clinic. In 5 mins….

<clinic in session>

Update at noon:

After all the chaos in the morning…

The food

Bg food turun balik ke mulut.

Tried to upload the video but didnt get through.

Allah tak bg riak.

He he

I Like To Move It, Move It.

Did facial today.

Beautician : Do not engage any sports for the next 24 hours.

Me: okay

Also me 1 hour later…

And 8 hours later.

Ya Allah, hanya kepadamu aku berserah tak naik pimple 🤲🏻

My Why

I dont workout to look good.

I workout because i want to impress my friends with random shit. 😉

But looking good is a bonus. 

Hello 50kg.

Not in the picture. Swim and Strength.

Run paling malas.

Pretty Funny

Someone once said to me, “You’re pretty funny!”

And i replied, “I know. I am Pretty AND Funny. Both are my best qualities.”

:)

Kinda Chic To Be Me

After days of feeling meh, i came across this post and thinking if there's one thing I did right in life, it was becoming a doctor.

Here is my top 10 memories of being a doctor.

1. Conducted delivery of babies. 

Having that little head coming out of their mommy and into my hands.. are the best feeling in the world. There's something surreal about being the first person to hold a new life as it enters the world.

2. Intubating a patient like i was in a horror movie.

I was oncall on morning of first day Raya. A lady had just transfered into my ward when she suddenly collapsed as the nurse wheeled her in. She had been coughing lots of blood seconds before she collapsed. i knew i had to intubate her A.S.A.P. And.. the suction port on the wall wasn't working! So there i was literally using my fingers to scoop blood clots out of her mouth so i can get good a clear view of her airway! I scoop and scoop and it was so bloody then i saw it. Inserted the ETT tube, connected the airbag, listened to air entry, it’s IN! It was one of the most chaotic, bloody and unforgettable moments of my career.

3. Cardioverted patient with SVT. 

Just like in the movie,  I said "You clear, I clear, everybody clear!" ZASsss. Shock delivered. And then you wait for the rhythm to come back. The adrenaline rush. Chef's kiss. 

4. Doing procedures on humans. Pleural tap, peritoneal tap, lumbar puncture, bone marrow aspiration, fem cath, neck line. There was a period in my life poking people with needles, tubes and oh fingers was just.. part of the job.

5. CPR patients! 

Okay this one is not exactly my favourite. Usually i prefer to be the one who lead/intubate/administer adrenaline. Not the one who do CPR cuz it's HARD. It took a lot of efforts and u get tired easily if u have poor endurance and strength. And i'm a baby. But there's something incredibly humbling about standing in resuscitation room with everyone working together, trying to bring someone back. 

6. Did surgery. 

Okay maybe not a big one. Just a simple appendicectomy, or lump excision. I dont have it in me to cut beyond that. But could also because i didnt get much opportunity. But I love being in the Operation Theatre, to the extent witnessing my own C-section didn't scare me. Have you ever seen the internal organs? I have. I remember once in the middle of a heart surgery, a cardiothoracic surgeon asked, “Do you know what is the difference between me and cardiologist? I…touch the heart.” (then he literally soft poke the heart) I whispered under my breath..Lame, but it’s a good one!

7. Patients thanking you for saving them even though most of the time it’s a team work. Once a patient bought me an air fryer because I advise him to use one to reduce his cholesterol. He said, since he was buying one, might as well he bought for me too. And then I changed hospital and no longer follow him up. A few years ago, the air fryer broke down. And somehow, when I looked at it I had this strange feeling that it's owner might have passed away. I checked and I was right. May your roh be amoung the pious, Pak Wan. 

8. The feeling of postcall after a 24 hours active call is one of the most rewarding feeling ever. It feels like you are a superhuman who did such a noble job while other ppl sleeping comfortably in their bed. But now age is catching up, active call is not something that i ever wanna do again.

9. My biggest oncall scare.

Had a patient jump out the window when I was oncall. Not the best memory but one I will never forget. Dealing with aftermath of something tragic and u just have to hold everything together on your own. There was staff, police, family members, hosp director. I even had to attend counselling session for that. I remember when the counselor asked me, "How do you feel?" and i wanted to reply "I feel nothing" but i think it's inappropriate. So i said, "Sad..but nothing I can do that can bring her back". After dealing with so many deaths, sometimes you cant help to become numb to it. You just learn to keep going. Kinda reminds me i signed death cert more than i ever did with birth cert..

10. Work during COVID era. 

Working in an acute ward during COVID was something else. Being there for patients on their death bed while their families could only communicate with them through video call..was heartbreaking. And sometimes all I can do was just be there. To make sure they are not alone.

So yes kinda chic to be me,

To be a doctor. 

And have all this wonderful experience that money cant buy. 

Less

 

Them: Allah uji bermaksud Allah sayang.

Me: then i guess, wish..i wish..i wish..He love me..

What’s Wrong With Me

I’m just staring at the ceiling. cant describe this feeling i’ve got in my head. I’m out of body in my bed. And i’m just searching my symptoms. Deperate to fix them, I’ll do anything. Cause lately, I’ve been spiraling. I’m not feeling like myself, and nothing ever seems to help. Went to the doctor (the girl in the mirror) and she said i was fine. But every movie that i see makes me cry. It’s like somebody put a weight on my chest. I should talk to a friend but I cant get out of the bed. My head is spinning and my stomach is sick. Say i’m in love, so its hard to admit. I cant eat, I cant sleep. I think you’re whats wrong with me.

I keep looking for distractions. Hope the feelings passes. But i’ve got to say, its getting harder everyday. And i cant seem to get around it. Head just keeps on pounding with the thought 

“what if this isnt what i want?”

I’m not feeling like myself. 

All amber lights and warning bells.

And i’m not hiding it well.

I think you’re whats wrong with me.

Back In Bed

 I thought being sick would only deal with fever, body aches and physical exhaustion. I didn’t expect it to open a door to emotions that I neglected for so long.

Since Tuesday, I have spent more time in bed more than usual. With everything slowing down, the thoughts became louder. The thoughts that usually buried beneath endless responsibilities.

I cried a lot this week. Not because of the physical pain. There’s just a sudden wave of sadness came over me.

And whenever i fall into this rabbit hole, I tend to distance myself from people. I avoid calls and conversation, muted all the groups, ignore the Dms. Not because i dont value the concern, but because I was too caught up with my thoughts and emotions.

Being sick reminded me that I have been surviving by staying in motion. Work, kids, exercises have helped me keep going. But it also become a way for me to avoid sitting with the pain.

Maybe this is a reminder for me not to runaway from it but rather sit with it and acknowledge the pain. And listen to what my heart is trying to tell me.

Or..could this be just another cycle of PMS

Sick

After 4 days of daily Yoga & 2 days of Muay Thai,

I am down.. with fever and DOMS

But, will i do it again?

Definetely, yes!

And hey, it’s August.

T-25 till i turn a new decade.

Smile :)

Me at 7:00 a.m.

Cried while driving to work.
Listening to Honeybee.
My youngest is sick today.
I’m feeling under the weather too.
It’s Monday.
And the song somehow triggers me.

Me at work:

…while waiting for the computer to load, after nearly getting eaten alive by a dissatisfied patient’s son over a system I can’t control. Nothing a smile can’t fix. One of the most powerful tools woman have. 

The emotional range before 10 a.m. is something. Can i blame it on the hormones. Tho im not really in the cycle.

But then, we heal faster by pretending everything is fine… and with a smile I say, “Next patient, please.”

Update: okay, i can see the pattern. I’m a crybaby on Monday, mungkin meratapi weekend yang bahagia. But eventually it gets better throughout the week cuz honestly i do enjoy my work :)

Rollerblade

adding more list to things i wanna do in 2026

Kota Ini Tak Sama Tanpamu

Jatuh cinta memang manis 🎶

Count Your Blessing

or Suffering?

People always say, "Count your blessings". I agree.

But lately, I've been thinking..maybe I should count my sufferings too (i have plenty of it).

Because of this ayat:

1. "If you are grateful, I am surely will surely increase you (in favour)" - Surah Ibrahim 14:7

Every blessings no matter how small it is, it is a gift from Him. Gratitude brings you barakah, peace.

2. "Do people think that they will be left to say, "We Believe" and they will not be tested? - Surah Al 'Ankabut 29:2

The duniya is a test and Jannah is the reward for the believer. Every hardship is a test and every moment of sabr and redha is never wasted, it will be rewarded. 

I've been trying to change the way I make dua. Instead of spending most of it asking Allah what I desire in this dunia as well as akhirah, I spend more of thanking Him for what He has given me.

And when life hurts, instead of asking "Why me?", I try to remind myself that this is another reward being prepared for me. As Dr Imam said, think of it as a deferred payment that I can claim in akhirah. InshaAllah. All I have to do is walking with sabr, accept with redha, trust that Allah never let a single tear, disappointment or an ounce of hardship go to waste.

Perhaps not every blessing is meant to come in this life. But simply being saved for Jannah.

So now, I count both my blessings and sufferings. 

Because both are signs that Allah is taking care of me, just in different ways.

:)

Hyrox

 ….is over for meeee.

I got in early. There were only 2k ppl in front of me.

Got in. Pick the tix. Guess i took slight longer at the flex option cuz i was confused. Then click proceed. Bam sold out!

So sadddddd..

Tried other categories. Even pro ones. Same story. The moment i wanna pay —> failed!!

Liyana: its ok, we plan..but who is the best planner?

Me: idk. You or me?

Liyana: *she gives me cold hard stare* ALLAH la woi!

Me: oops sorry. Brain loading. Post traumatic stress tk dpt ticket.

*baru pergi talk Imam Omar Suleiman last weekend*

 Liyana: its okay la boleh continue training without the race

Me: what do u mean? Its like study without exam! Whats the point?? *hi achiever trait*

Liyana: sama la mcm u pergi pilates

Me: if ada olympic for pilates, i will join!

This is harder than battle for Coldplay tix. Wawawawa.

For coldplay i still got time to think!

How Are You?

Another day, another flex 😉

She’s A Genius

The other day i watched an IG reel on “suicidal ideation”. The person was telling like how she just found out having an ideation is not normal. Like she thought everyone may have it once in awhile.

Wait..it’s not normal to have it? Even during your tough season? Cuz I do have it sometimes… as long as i can remember. It comes and go. On my defence, ideation and intention are two different things. And i’m that smart to be able to differentiate it.

Then she shared her discussion with her therapist, it’s a form of escapism. Kinda makes sense.

If you dont understand, it’s a privelege. (Seems to be my fav sentence this day)

But now i know whenever i have the thoughts, i should do this..

(Context:  It was my first try to dive) 

I was super confident. Inhale. Hold ur breath. Equalize. Dive. Equalize again.

But then, the moment I reached the bottom. 

I panicked. 

I can’t breathe.

Geez…i got scared…of death.

Just like that, i found the will to live again. 🤣

Genius, i am..

Swim

 

My first freedive 🩵

Do it scared.. until it no longer scares you.

Grief

Grief comes and goes like waves.

This morning, i felt it again.

Couldn’t stop the tears, so I put on my best makeup to conceal it and wear the best smile to face the day.

Grateful today is busy clinic day, it will keep my mind occupied, even if only for a while.

Like every wave, grief has its peak. And eventually, it recedes.

All I have to do is hold on and wait.

This too shall pass.. 

Happy Birthday, B.

If you’ve lost someone, you’ll understand..

If you don’t, it’s a privilege.

Risk It All

While many doctors hate their job, I love being one. Or maybe it is more of i love my patients.

My patients are my saviours, as much as I am theirs.

Just like today. I started the clinic with a heavy mind. Maybe it was Monday blues, or it was something quietly in my head that I couldnt fully name.

But the moment, i met my patients, my heart felt a little lighter. Like this boy, who seemed cheekier than usual. Tried to resonate why he didnt do what I advised him to do, in his playful energy. And somehow, I found myself smiling.

Me: Here is your MC dated today six…seven…(6/7/26)

Him: *pulls his cap down covering his face* i certainly sure he rolls his eyes underneath it.

 And this cutie, who sing “Risk It All” . 🥹

And just like that, the heaviness soften a little.

While i heal them, they heal me.

Baddie 🖤

Mirror, mirror on the wall..

Who’s the baddest of them all?

Yours truly.

Esok nk swim. Bubble bubble. 😶‍🌫️

Battlescar

 

Hope it heals, but it never does.

God..i dont feel good..

A reminder for me DO NOT ever again do back to back HYROX and Strength Training.

I was feeling fine after Hyrox. The strength class is a foundation class. In my mind it should be easy. Cmon, i used to do a 24hr oncall. And resume work for another 8 hours.

But damn, now i feel like shit. bit dizzy, super tireeeed. Yes it really feels like postcall, the badcall edition.

I hope i don’t get rhabdomyolysis.

I should sleep but I cant. I dont do naps.

My body is so used to sleep at night only..

Lets hope i will feel better the next morning.

Cuz I have pilates 🤏🏻

I know i should cancel the class, but mama didnt raise me to be a quitter. ;p

What’s wrong with meeeee

Stupid Song

 

I love you more than any stupid song could ever say.

D2: mummy, i think i know who is your fav artist. It’s olivia rodrigo!

Me: yeah..(been playing her songs quite often in the car). She just released her new album so im listening to it atm. Do u know she’s coming to Msia soon, to do concert here. Not sure I should go or not.

D2: mummy, you should! You are her fan! Her kipas.

Me: aaw.. (i wish ur dad thinks the same way, nnti mummy kena kecam in thread, pergi concert suami jaga anak di rumah) 

Knocking On Heaven’s Door

"Sebab syurga tu mahal..", a friend told me.

J: u rs i boleh masuk syurga ke?

L : why not. of course u can.

J: because i pray…but i still sin 

L: we are all human, and you have two tickets to jannah

Z: eh, why two?

J : Ya, 2 la. 

Z: no, no one only. The other one doesn’t count.

(…at this point i feel like i was at the gates of heaven, while 2 angels were arguing wether i have one or 2 golden pass that will guarantee my upgrade)

J: but..its not guaranteed..only if i am sabr facing the challenges.

L: no, you WILL get in.

Z: ya… maybe not the highest level, but at least the lowest heaven.

We all laughed.

…find yourself friends who can support your delulu dreams..

Who will also keep remind you that Allah’s mercy is always greater than your fear and doubts.

loml

it was love at first sight.

a cliche, yes.

the kind of thing u see in movies.

i never thought i would experience it.

i fell for the "get-love-quick" scheme, as Tay would put it.

it was legendary. momentary. 

everything felt effortless.

every conversation.

every laugh.

every stolen moment.

every k.

it felt like we had skipped all the difficult chapters and landed directly in the happy ending.

it was good while it lasted.

and worse when it ended.

i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all.

you told me i was the love of your life.

then u became the loss of my life.

#firstlove #hbd

Bila Cinta

When people wonder how i endure my long daily commute..

Me during the journey: 

Melayan perasaan & bestie cooking show.

 

Hilangnya cintamu menusuk hatiku 

hingga ku memilih cinta yang fana

Perginya dirimu merobek jantungku 

hingga ku terjatuh dalam harapan

Aa sedih..

The Time Of My Life

I am not always great...

But..most of the time...absolutely amazing.

Fall first, Flex next.

Asyura

 It's Asyura Day today.

I don't know what to pray for.

There are so many things I could ask for.  Better health. Success. Rizq. Happiness. Peace. A future I cannot yet see.

Then I remembered that Allah knows what my heart needs better than I do.

So today, my dua is simple:

For Him to grant what is best for me in this world and the hereafter. Open the doors that led me closer to Him. Close the ones that will harm me. To have barakah, contentment and peace in every part of my life. Forgive my shortcoming. Make me among those who attain Jannah.

Ameen.

Because sometimes what I want may not be the best for me. May not be what God want for me. So lets just put the trust in the One who already knows.

💯

My Life Anthem

Cuz i'm a real tough kid..

You know you're good when you can even do it

..with a broken heart

...survived a broken home and got into medical school

...survived heartbreak during final year and GOT

...survived motherhood, marriage and Master, all in the same timeline

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My superpower is surviving under pressure.

No matter what life throws at me,
I always rise back to the top. :)

So yes, i am tough. i am good. i am smart. i am fun. 
and pretty.  #tiber

Happy Father’s Day!

Whats worse than losing ur dad?

Having him alive but feels like you don’t have one.

What a dream to be a dad’s girl.

But it’s okay..

“In another life, I would be your girl…”

…

another life means in heaven..

where i’m heading to..

One day..

Cuz God is fair.

..for everything that i lost in this duniya,

it will be replaced in akhirah..

InshaAllah 🤍

Try

A month ago, I wrote about the changes my body had been going through this year: loss of appetite, weight loss, and insomnia. At the time, I thought it was simply part of getting older.  Maybe this was just another phase of aging that I had to accept.

But something interesting has happened this week.

My appetite is back.

My weight stops reducing.

And most importantly, I can sleep at night.

The doctor in me has started revisiting what happened over the past few months.

I stopped craving coffee. Food became uninteresting. Even things I genuinely enjoyed seemed to lose their spark. There was even a period when Pilates no longer gave me that familiar sense of satisfaction or endorphin rush. I kept showing up, but the reward wasn't there. Looking back, I wonder whether that was anhedonia, the diminished ability to feel pleasure from things that once brought joy.

Now, things feel different again.

Food tastes good. Coffee and cakes sound appealing. My appetite has returned. This morning I had gastritis, a strange problem to have after weeks of barely feeling hungry.

Possible contributed by endorphins from the exercises. Work up my body so hard that Brad has no room to enter my mind. 

It's fascinating how much our minds and bodies are intertwined. Sometimes we search for explanations in age, hormones, stress, or illness, only to realize the answer may be far more complex or perhaps a combination of all of them. 

Life has a way of quietly shifting beneath our feet. One day, you stop enjoying the things you love and barely notice it happening. Then, just as quietly, the colors begin to return. 

A strange phase of life indeed.

Attended my first Hyrox class yesterday, totally fun! 

str8 to Cadillac after Hyrox class :)

Next agenda this week:

Friday : barre pilates

Saturday: swim, strength
Sunday: tower pilates

*god, pls take away all the symptoms but leave my weight as it is..* 

Mid Life Crisis

..what my friends called it when I told them I wanted to do these three things this year:

1. Pilates : to try all types of it (Done!)

I’ve been doing reformer Pilates religiously for the past two years. So at the beginning of this year, I challenged myself to explore other forms of Pilates. Now that we're halfway through the year, I've already ticked off most of my wishlist: hot mat, tower, chair, cadillac, and even barre classes. Mission accomplished. Of course, once I completed the list, I had to level up the challenge. My next goal? Try Pilates overseas.

2. Freedive (Booked a class!)

This one is a little outside my comfort zone. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I can do it, but I've booked myself into a beginner's class and I'm determined to give it a shot. *Fingers crossed*

3. Hyrox (still analysing…)

HYROX wasn't even on my radar at the start of the year. Lately, though, I've been looking for a new challenge because, as much as I love Pilates, it's starting to feel a little too familiar. Earlier on, a friend suggested Hyrox to me and i just brush it off saying that naah its not my thing. Then, out of nowhere, they announced that HYROX is coming to Malaysia this year. So harus FOMO. Plus, i am joining strength gym class now.  If I manage to secure a place, I'm taking that as my sign. Maybe that's my next adventure. I can finally make use all my running shoes that I overbought-but-underused for the run training. Going to my first Hyrox class next week!!!!!! Scared but excited.

My friends call this my "midlife crisis era."

I prefer to think of it as my wellness era.

I'm Kinda Busy

 ..when hospital calls..

...or when u call and i dont pick up

Friend: Are u free for breakfast on Sunday?

Me: Umm. I have pilates ... then strength training... 

Friend: So.. not free?

Me: Can i take a rain check?.. Unless you wanna join me?

Thats how all my friends ended up doing pilates.

#truestory 

How old do u wanna be?

when i saw ppl write something about healthy lifestyle to promote longevity.

it makes me wonder why would they want to live until they are 90-100 years old..

while me: i dont want to grow old..i wanna stay forever young (which impossible). but yes i don't think i wanna live until i'm 90.

but i still take care of my health cuz i dont want to fall sick, feels the pain and waiting to die for days at hospital. and i do exercise for the endorphins.

i want to die peacefully. before i get too old.

something i pray to God. 

to take me when my deeds is enough for me to go to heaven. 

Nevertheless i love my elderly patients 

And.. they love me too 🥰

12

Sehingga Tuhan izin.

1991

I think I still keep a photo of us from that zoo trip during kindy.

Work

Work has been pretty chill these days.

Whenever my friends rant about work, I honestly can't relate.

Whenever I casually mention my Friday afternoon  Pilates class, they'll immediately go:

"Untunglah... ada afternoon break."

And I'm like, "Girl, nobody forced you to choose your discipline. We need to work smart, not just hard."

10 Things I’m Proud To Flex at 40

Not 40 yet… but with 3 months left till August, might as well embrace it. 

1. Got back my prepregnancy weight. I delivered a baby plus went through a phase of stress eating disorder during my master’s programme. And losing weight at this age is brutally difficult. So yeah I deserve a trophy.

2. My BMI is normal. Well, honestly the only time it wasn’t normal was when I was literally growing babies inside me.

3. I look somewhere between late 20s and early 30s, says ChatGPT. And I’ll take it, tho it sounds delusional.

4. People call me “boss” at work. IYKYK. #girlboss

5. At this age, I can buy whatever I want. But TBH i dont have a lot of wants. 

6. My parents are alive and healthy. This one feels bigger the older I get.

7. Still married. In this economy and generation? Lowkey an achievement.

8. My kids still adore me. One day they’ll think I’m annoying, so I’m enjoying this phase while it lasts.

9. I got my sugar levels go down from prediabetic to normal. Cholesterol… you’re next.

10. I can bend down and touch my toes without backpain or tight hamstring. Thanks to pilates.

There's a lot more I wanna achieve. Not sure if I should share them or keep it quiet so I don't jinx it.

I wanna be a mermaid.

40 is basically your 20s...just with better money, super early bedtimes and a whole bunch of supplements.

The Eid of Letting Go

It’s Arafah Day today.

And somehow, it took me almost 40 years to truly understand what this day is all about.

Alhamdulillah for time. Alhamdulillah for guidance. Alhamdulillah for the gentle reminders from Allah that often come exactly when we need them most.

click the title to read more..

Fireplace

Whenever i doubt my capabilities, i keep surprising myself..

The dream that’s left of us

Are pictures in the ash

But I cant burn these memories trapped in my heart

Now all thats left of us

Is a love that I cant touch

All your empty promises break me apart